11.03.09
Today’s Guilt Quotient
Tired of acknowledging her own feelings.
Rob me of all my senses. Don’t want to feel anymore.
Kaise batayein kyun tujhko chahein...
***
Bad idea. Moving away and coming back together. Bad bad idea. Never works. All it does is worsen things. Whoever said Distance makes one grow fonder. Blah !!!!
Hurt. Yearning. Tears. Pain. Hurt. Love. Affection. Anger. Words. Strong Words. Silence. Deafening Silence. Hurt. Wait. Longing. Compromise. Confusion. Acceptance. Distance. Lonely. Delusional. Hurt. Forgive. Hurt…
***
I don’t know why. So don’t ask me why you mean what you mean to me.
***
Main toh kisiki ho ke yeh bhi na jaani
Rut hai yeh do pal ki ya rahegi sada
02.19.09
Some days..
Some days I let it go
Some days I hold on
Some days I want to touch
Some days I want to hurt
Some days I want words
Some days I want silence
Some days I am my own cure
Some days I am the malady
Some days I am together
Some days I am broken
Some days I forgive
Some days I sin
***
Some days I accept
Some days I deny
Some days I deny
Some day I will have to accept
02.17.09
Numb..
Getting what you want is sometimes so deluding. Spend like a lifetime fretting over it making random wishes and hoping for a miracle. And when it does happen,feel no thing. Just striking numbness. Was the anticipation more alluring than the realisation?
Have you ever stood under the shower and shut your ears, listening only to the sound of water splattering against your scalp? No other sound but of water trickling down your face, the fading racket of anger, anxiety, disappointment…fading.. fading into oblivion? If not the shower, just drowning yourself in the tub or swimming pool or just a bucket (like in Dev D). Its such a wonderful feeling of freedom and power and control. You are there. Right there. Yet away. The desperate voices try in vain to claw into you but can’t because you’ve cut out their tormenting presence from your senses.
***
Aaankhon kah hai dhoka
Aisa tera pyaar
Tera emotional attyachar
You bitch!
This post is edited.
02.14.09
Sometimes its better not to hear as a sound, even your own most guarded and deeply nestled thoughts. Not as a confession. Not as an expression. Not as a plea. Not even as the knowledge that it exists at all. You may be surprised at the repulsiveness, the ugliness of their intensity.
Surprised at your own self.
Listening to: Pardesi from Dev D
02.12.09
Gone in 60 seconds…
Happy and high-spirited while listening to Yeh Zindagi Bhi from Luck By Chance…
Thinking of leaving early from work…
A rundown in the mind about the meeting with the new super super boss…
A quick fall back on the Law of Attraction from Secret…
Planning to call up a friend to meet…
Planning to watch Dev D…
A rundown on pending investment declarations…
Sudden urge to switch to Payaliya from Dev D…
Another sudden urge to go for a smoke…RIGHT NOW…
…this is what constituted one of the many rushed one minutes today.
Samjhane se kab mana hai
Dekho karta zid hai yeh dil
Chune hain taare ise
Chahiye saare ise.
02.10.09
Foolhardy?
I miss my baby. My cute little, stubborn, cranky, silly, adorable baby. Muuuuuauaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!
Risky. But will endure it.
Foolhardy?
Listening to: Phas Gaya (Aamir), Behind Blue Eyes ( Pearl Jam)
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
***
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
02.03.09
Life in a Metro..
Is mod se jaate hain
Kuch susta kadam rastein
Kuch tez kadam rahein
A late night drive on the streets of Mumbai brings out the wanderer in me. All I want to do is sit absorbed and enthralled – body & soul into nowhere. A yearning to drift into a strange periphery of promises, fulfillment and opportunities. A drive in your car or in a taxi, nothing compares to the swelling sense of freedom and wander lust. I belong to the para military background and have travelled far and wide. Hence, could never fathom of falling in love with any one place in particular. I may have memories and sweet nothings to think of from those various places but never did I feel that I would miss any city as I miss Mumbai whenever I get myself packed to a lesser diverse city. I still like to believe that I am way above the city and its temptations. Yet I crave for a sense of belonging and acceptance from this city. Feel a sort of affinity that comes from the sheer presence of the comfort in the discomfort while wading through a routine day. Like the many other first times, I never thought I’ll write a post on the city and its magnificence. But here I am, really genuinely putting disconnected words together about my experience. So guess I am becoming a Mumbaikar in the true sense. Agreeing to the fact that, The one who lives in Mumbai can’t live anywhere else and those who live outside Mumbai can’t live here.
No this post is not inspired by the luster of Slumdog Millionaire but, a late night drive from a party made me realise how happy a moment is the drive down the brightly lit streets. Refusing to tire or sleep. Awake and running into length.
Glamour. Moolah. High-rises. Struggle. Emptiness. Poverty. Diversity. Togetherness. Pride. Callousness. Conning. Opportunities. Simplicity. Confidence. Vulnerability. Sincerity. Coldhearted. Generous.
So much is bundled into this one city. I am just beginning to unravel it.
Ek durr se aati hai, Pass aa ke palatati hai
Ek rah akeli si, rukti hai na chalati hai
