I keep coming back to and keep abandoning the concept of blogging. Sometimes because its just plain difficult to get all the incoherence to make some sense and sometimes out of sheer lack of originality.
A blogger friend seemed to have probably noticed the downturn in my style of writing. I really don’t know what did he try to mean by it except for this that I too feel the total loss of passion for writing. Its just so much more of an effort than a desire.
And more often than not i find myself thinking over where to begin although there is so much to say. Lately I have felt that I havn’t been myself at all hence the struggle to find a point of stability. There is a constant struggle about something unknown.
I keep moving through life in phases. And all the phases seem to force me to cause a conscious disconnect with everything previously known. Abandon people, mindsets, habits, likes, dislikes, relationships, goals, convictions. Its such a taxing affair to let go and it happens so often that I find myself in a state of complete denial.
An acquaintance happened to ask me what is the meaning of my gmail status msg “Spaces within spaces”. My explanation to it being that of the void in relationships in the quest of garnering personal space. To which he asked “So what is the solution to it..one should or should not give spaces?” I couldn’t reply to it as I had to go for lunch and my team members were waiting for me. But the answer to that queston was kind off lingering in my mind throughout. So I say it here:
Well, before we could even say that its a solution, one needs to face the fact that the term personal space has been so grossly misinterpreted. It is perceived almost criminal if you want some breathing space for yourself and to help yourself grow. It ain’t a matter of being selfish but just allowing yourself to exercise the liberty to feel in touch with yourself and the mechanisms of your body and mind. In fact one should have and demand with equal conviction their personal space.I would say its ok to be selfish than be self centered.
There are so many ways in which one defines love. Some say its sacrifice, some say its the sense of belonging while some say its nothing but lust. I feel love is a mode of triggering a state of mind of pure satisfaction. Satisfaction of getting what one wants out of being in a relationship or with the person. Its like an agreement on an emotional front. If he/she does not get what they want from the relationship or association they either crib, fight, sulk, or part ways. What one wants is if not a part of the agreement he/she is bound to look for it elsewhere. But yes this no where says that all that one wants or craves for is legitimate in nature. It may or may not be so in societal terms but surely affects the set up of a relationship.
Anyway, so if one does not get what they expect to get out of the association that they have gotten into, be it a marriage, friendship,or relationship between parents and children or between siblings, there would be an utter sense of anger, loathing, sense of submission and loss that it will all eventually crumble down to a mess of everybody’s emotions and they being intertwined and damaged beyond repair.
So its best to let each have their own little corner and limits which belong only to them and no one else and meeting their spiritual, emotional and financial requirements. While they continue with their usual way of meeting new people and awaiting that instinctive click.
(Infidelity is also an outgrowth of an agreement or association gone faulty in terms of lack of fulfillment of the wants of the parties involved. So why blame just the one who is guilty of looking for the satisfaction that he/she couldn’ t get in the existing set up??)
Its no sin to claim individuality.