Quixotic ??

Hey S

No. It isn’t me. Spent enough of my time thinking that may be its me and not you. But come on, are you really that blind, insensitive, unreactive, selfish? Too bad that you couldn’t make out the difference between a real human being and a mere object of convenience. Have gone through this in my head so many times. Things that I finally wanted to say to you..stuff that I wanted you to realise, but truth be told, its just way way way too much of heartburn and disappointment no matter how many chances you get to get your act straight. You simply have no inkling of what the other person was all about. Oh yes, the only vocal and willing expression you made was that I am rude, impatient, unrealistic and impractical! Sure, why not. That is precisely what i was all along to have been through so much despite so many instances of you being a total insensitive jerk to me. Just cuz there is a virtual distance you assume that there is a lot of (in your terms) impractical and unrealistic hope I have. Nevertheless, thank you for proving me wrong and making me realise how I gave way too much importance to you than what you really deserved.

No it couldn’t have been only about you right. It couldn’t have been only about your priorities, your work, your ambition. At some point it had to be about me too. About my feelings, my emotions, my point of view. Was there any effort to understand those? It was always about what you want, how I should always say something nice to make the conversation light, or how I should say things so that you feel happy, or how I should be the one to make an effort to make the meetings happen. Fuck!!! my unreasonable, wasted head. Where was my self respect? Was friggin too blind and such a pudding head.

How did i let such a mess on to my life? HOW??? WHY???? Darn these sick, mushy, happy romantic books, movies, songs, couples and blah blah that make love such a desirable and out of this world feeling to have. Yes. Impractical and unrealistic i was. To think i could have had my share of this entire experience called love, liking, romance or call it whatever. Where I could have the assurance of someone special to talk to, to share with, to laugh with, to just know that you existed whenever i wished for a companion. But its too stale to talk about now. I doubt if you ever felt the need to quit your rhetorical and the self-indulgent, self-obsessed philosophy and look at things from my perspective ever. Wonder if you ever understood when i said, “I am tired of feeling empty by just giving. I need some too.”

I am amazed that at a time like this when i should be really thinking about the more important issues of my life, there still is your thought that springs up. Strong enough to cause a breakdown of the repressed, ignored, shunned questions, doubts, hurt, anger AND the affection.

I am guilty of still thinking that it shouldn’t have been such an ugly end. Wish it could have been clean, cooperative and minus any hard feelings. But such things are rarer than one can think of. This can’t go on. Its got to stop. You CANNOT plague my peace of mind like this. Get out. Get out..Get out of my mind. Leave me alone.

Leave me alone S.

But I don’t know what I’ve been waiting for
But I know that I don’t wanna wait anymore

….

Want to know a little secret? Most of the times things could have been fixed if you knew you had to say sorry. Really. Only problem…”if you knew”.

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Kaise batayein kyun tujhko chahein...

***

Bad idea. Moving away and coming back together. Bad bad idea. Never works. All it does is worsen things. Whoever said Distance makes one grow fonder. Blah !!!!

Hurt. Yearning. Tears. Pain. Hurt. Love. Affection. Anger. Words. Strong Words. Silence. Deafening Silence. Hurt. Wait. Longing. Compromise. Confusion. Acceptance. Distance. Lonely. Delusional. Hurt. Forgive. Hurt…

***

I don’t know why. So don’t ask me why you mean what you mean to me.

***

Main toh kisiki ho ke yeh bhi na jaani

Rut hai yeh do pal ki ya rahegi sada

 

Some days..

Some days I let it go

Some days I hold on

Some days I want to touch

Some days I want to hurt

Some days I want words

Some days I want silence

Some days I am my own cure

Some days I am the malady

Some days I am together

Some  days I am broken

Some days I forgive

Some days I sin

***

Some days I accept

Some days I deny

Some days I deny

Some day I will have to accept

Sometimes its better not to hear as a sound, even your own most guarded and deeply nestled thoughts. Not as a confession. Not as an expression. Not as a plea. Not even as the knowledge that it exists at all. You may be surprised at the repulsiveness, the ugliness of their intensity.

Surprised at your own self.

Listening to: Pardesi  from Dev D

Foolhardy?

I miss my baby. My cute little, stubborn, cranky, silly, adorable baby. Muuuuuauaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!

Risky. But will endure it.

Foolhardy?

Listening to: Phas Gaya (Aamir),  Behind Blue Eyes ( Pearl Jam)

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

***

When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool


Today’s Guilt Quotient

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Intoxicated

This is real madness. Posts in quick succession?!?!?! Nevermind.

There is this house track playing on my player right now. Its one of those tracks which run into hours of blissful, becalming yet turbulent, almost psychosis inducing state. You just need to have a good pair of headphones with a good bass that can capture every beat, a quiet place with darkness and a desire to surrender. And then do nothing but just let the music spin you around virtually in a state of high sans any substance.

Just go through every beat and through the troughs and crests in the tempo mindlessly like a wanderer.Like a spec in the blazing wind. Sucked in.Flung across with throbbing energy. Bruised. Yearning with a splitting want to lose the mind. Give away all that clutters  the mind and let the music take you along. Break open, drop the guards of charade and move along the sensuous waves that your body threatens to experience.

There is nothing better than a satiating dose of house music on your way to work and entering the space and switching on the work station and slowly letting go off the madness with a mind full of clarity. The same goes when you are on your way back. Takes away all the fagged out feelings.

Pick up a Baltimore Zoo and team it with a smoke.

Mmmmmmmm.Pure Pleasure.

Take me in

Take me in