Quixotic ??

Hey S

No. It isn’t me. Spent enough of my time thinking that may be its me and not you. But come on, are you really that blind, insensitive, unreactive, selfish? Too bad that you couldn’t make out the difference between a real human being and a mere object of convenience. Have gone through this in my head so many times. Things that I finally wanted to say to you..stuff that I wanted you to realise, but truth be told, its just way way way too much of heartburn and disappointment no matter how many chances you get to get your act straight. You simply have no inkling of what the other person was all about. Oh yes, the only vocal and willing expression you made was that I am rude, impatient, unrealistic and impractical! Sure, why not. That is precisely what i was all along to have been through so much despite so many instances of you being a total insensitive jerk to me. Just cuz there is a virtual distance you assume that there is a lot of (in your terms) impractical and unrealistic hope I have. Nevertheless, thank you for proving me wrong and making me realise how I gave way too much importance to you than what you really deserved.

No it couldn’t have been only about you right. It couldn’t have been only about your priorities, your work, your ambition. At some point it had to be about me too. About my feelings, my emotions, my point of view. Was there any effort to understand those? It was always about what you want, how I should always say something nice to make the conversation light, or how I should say things so that you feel happy, or how I should be the one to make an effort to make the meetings happen. Fuck!!! my unreasonable, wasted head. Where was my self respect? Was friggin too blind and such a pudding head.

How did i let such a mess on to my life? HOW??? WHY???? Darn these sick, mushy, happy romantic books, movies, songs, couples and blah blah that make love such a desirable and out of this world feeling to have. Yes. Impractical and unrealistic i was. To think i could have had my share of this entire experience called love, liking, romance or call it whatever. Where I could have the assurance of someone special to talk to, to share with, to laugh with, to just know that you existed whenever i wished for a companion. But its too stale to talk about now. I doubt if you ever felt the need to quit your rhetorical and the self-indulgent, self-obsessed philosophy and look at things from my perspective ever. Wonder if you ever understood when i said, “I am tired of feeling empty by just giving. I need some too.”

I am amazed that at a time like this when i should be really thinking about the more important issues of my life, there still is your thought that springs up. Strong enough to cause a breakdown of the repressed, ignored, shunned questions, doubts, hurt, anger AND the affection.

I am guilty of still thinking that it shouldn’t have been such an ugly end. Wish it could have been clean, cooperative and minus any hard feelings. But such things are rarer than one can think of. This can’t go on. Its got to stop. You CANNOT plague my peace of mind like this. Get out. Get out..Get out of my mind. Leave me alone.

Leave me alone S.

But I don’t know what I’ve been waiting for
But I know that I don’t wanna wait anymore

….

Want to know a little secret? Most of the times things could have been fixed if you knew you had to say sorry. Really. Only problem…”if you knew”.

Some days..

Some days I let it go

Some days I hold on

Some days I want to touch

Some days I want to hurt

Some days I want words

Some days I want silence

Some days I am my own cure

Some days I am the malady

Some days I am together

Some  days I am broken

Some days I forgive

Some days I sin

***

Some days I accept

Some days I deny

Some days I deny

Some day I will have to accept

Sometimes its better not to hear as a sound, even your own most guarded and deeply nestled thoughts. Not as a confession. Not as an expression. Not as a plea. Not even as the knowledge that it exists at all. You may be surprised at the repulsiveness, the ugliness of their intensity.

Surprised at your own self.

Listening to: Pardesi  from Dev D

Put another dime in the jukebox babay

Is one allowed to start the day feeling really really annoyed and bugged and irritable??? I have this intense urge to very forcefully smash something. Fling something up against the wall. See it mercilessly break into little fragments. Break Break Break. I want to destroy something. Only then shall I find some calm to the violent bristling within my mind.

And before anyone thinks its the much touted PMS-ing. Nope. Its not. I can be doing this effortless switch between being all in control and being all ruffled and  flustered quite often. Darn! What a thing to master.

Yes. So just as the title of the post says. Yes! I am a jukebox. A friggin used and abused jukebox. Just dump a clinking new dime into my growling money pit and I shall start singing to your tunes.

One clinking dump – I start belting out the funny goofy songs to make you laugh. yeah and a bit of animated moves too.

Another clinking dump – I string together oodles of compliments and the make-you-feel-good-even-if-I-wish-to-never-see-your-face-again kinda praises.

And another clinking dump – Give that obliging concurring nod when all I want to do is hold you by your neck and rattle you and tell you to shut the f*** up.

Yet another clink – I try to conceal my turmoil under fake smiles, pretentious small talks, joining the wandering conversations about clothes and vacations and “Life in general” when all I want to do is lock myself up in a room with no one around me and howl.

Wow, I so have an exciting life to talk about!

Can I just be me once?Think about what I want to think?Say what I want to say?Do what I want to do? And still not feel like a criminal flouting rules of the so-called acceptance and we-are-together crap?

I don’t want to be together. I want to be me!