I had almost decided to delete the blog and never come back to this place. Simply beacuse this place is no longer the same as it was before. A sudden jolt and twist of fate has left me to evaluate what my life has been so far. Such mayhem in my head and listlessness. What sense do I make of all that is happening?

Two months. Two months since I discovered that my life has changed. Two months of  countless moments spent wondering what went wrong. How did it all happen?

I had decided I will never write about this phase of my life. Maintained a diary for a certain few days with all that I went through, all that my family went through, thinking about all that was going to unfold for the next one year. About the relationship that I lost. About the one person who I never really have been able to get off my mind inspite of so many attempts. About old, dead relationships that I had almost discarded from my life and have come to rediscover their importance now.

Thought about all the wrongs I did. About all the hurtful things have said, have done. About how I chose some very wrong people over those who should have never been on the wrong side of me ever. Sometimes i think about …what now…or may be that is the only most important thing i think about…WHAT NOW…how do i get my life back on track…

I havent been able to believe that its happening still. Though its been more than two months of treatment and slowly getting closer to it getting over..yet its a long way before I figure out the new course of life.

There were times during the last two months that I used to lie down on the hospital bed and zone out staring with aching eyes at the colorless empty ceiling. A blank ceiling getting splashed with weak, fearful, confusing, regretful, angry thoughts running in my mind. My eyes would refuse to go along with the stabbing emotions clawing at me… They kept saying, stay positive and be strong. Not just for yourself but for your family too. They just kept saying., stay positive and be strong. But no one ever told me how to when all my reasoning capacity was crippled with shock and disbelief, and I knew no better than be fearful and utterly clueless about my life henceforth.

Away from work, from friends, trapped like in a room made of glass. Able to see everything, everyone, but frustratingly cut off from all of them. Dealing with it all not as everyday comes but taking every passing minute as it comes.

…….

I want to stop now…have got this weird aching sensation in my head. Want to just shake it off..get rid of it. Want to feel peaceful.

…….

Listening to:

Chal Diye: Zeb & Haniya

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***

Bad idea. Moving away and coming back together. Bad bad idea. Never works. All it does is worsen things. Whoever said Distance makes one grow fonder. Blah !!!!

Hurt. Yearning. Tears. Pain. Hurt. Love. Affection. Anger. Words. Strong Words. Silence. Deafening Silence. Hurt. Wait. Longing. Compromise. Confusion. Acceptance. Distance. Lonely. Delusional. Hurt. Forgive. Hurt…

***

I don’t know why. So don’t ask me why you mean what you mean to me.

***

Main toh kisiki ho ke yeh bhi na jaani

Rut hai yeh do pal ki ya rahegi sada

 

Numb..

Getting what you want is sometimes so deluding. Spend like a lifetime fretting over it making random wishes and hoping for a miracle. And when it does happen,feel no thing. Just striking numbness. Was the anticipation more alluring than the realisation?

Have you ever stood under the shower and shut your ears, listening only to the sound of water splattering against your scalp? No other sound but of water trickling down your face, the fading racket of anger, anxiety, disappointment…fading.. fading into oblivion? If not the shower, just drowning  yourself in the tub or swimming pool or just a bucket (like in Dev D). Its such a wonderful feeling of freedom and power and control. You are there. Right there. Yet away. The desperate voices try in vain to claw into you but can’t because you’ve cut out their tormenting presence from your senses.

***

Aaankhon kah hai dhoka

Aisa tera pyaar

Tera emotional attyachar


You bitch!

This post is edited.