Today’s Guilt Quotient

..of wondering, what would it had been like for him if  “it” were to stub me out.

I am sorry Mom and Dad to have thought of it this way.  My life isn’t just mine to have imagined this way. I owe you more than my life for you both being you and all that you are to me.

I am sorry.


What I am looking for…

Well I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more
And I won’t be satisfied
‘Till there’s nothing left that I haven’t tried
For some people it’s an easy choice
But for me there’s a devil and an angel’s voice
Well I don’t know what I am looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more

Well I don’t know what I’m living for
But I know that I just wanna live some more
And you hear it from strangers
And you hear it from friends
That love never dies, love never ends
Now I don’t wanna argue, no I don’t wanna fight
‘Cause you’re always wrong and I’m always right
Well I don’t know what I am living for
But I know that I just wanna live some more

I used to be involved, and I felt like a king
Now I’ve lost it all and I don’t feel a thing
I may never grow old, I may never give in
And I’ll blame this world that I live in
I visit hell on a daily basis
I see the sadness in all your faces
I’ve got friends who have married
And their lives seem complete
Here I am still stumbling down a darkened street

And I act like a child and I’m insecure
And I’m filled with doubt and I’m immature
Sometimes it creeps up on me and before I know it
I’m lost at sea
But no matter how far I row
I always find my way back home
But I don’t know what I’ve been waiting for
But I know that I don’t wanna wait anymore


A messaged today. After two months. He has shifted to a new city. New job after completing his MBA. The last we spoke was two months ago when I just discovered about my situation. Ok here is a little insight into the relationship that we share. We are school friends who lost touch after school and came back into regular conversing by sheer chance. We are not INTO a relationship with each other but just be there for each other when needed. Sometimes totally for a matter of convenience. Yet he happens to be very considerate and he wanted to know what has happened that has got me to avoid him. For clarity, I have stopped being the way i used to be with him. Which is totally free-spirited, excited and sure of myself. He happens to have a girl friend already whom he plans to marry.

So having said that, now that he insists again and again to know what has happened, I am getting tired of this little peek-a-boo game. I probably want to tell him, yet, something holds me back. I feel that all this while I was under the impression that nothing matters  to me about what is in his life.When we are around and get talking he is totally in my sphere of existence. Laughing, teasing, sharing, talking and that is what matters to me since neither was he nor was I in love with each other. We just liked each others company. However, this not telling him business doesnt seem to be going down well with me. I just want to get it out and done with it. That would just make it a lot more easier for me to deal with. It isnt’ for any sympathy or pity. But somehow felt that for the sake of the good times we had with each other I should since he too is getting all worried and all. But No.NOOOOO. I dont know what to do. Its not like he can do anything about it. It is a very personal issue and why should he know about it. Its just going to be really awkward.

Arrghhh!! I am a screw up in  my head. Ain’t I? What am I writing. Does it even seem relevant? Or its just some gibberish. Oh Hell…..give me a break!

Well I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more…

Oh…on a post publishing read of the post makes me wonder…if you can make any sense of the  little info thrown in about the girl friend he plans to marry. What was that mentioned there for? WHAT? Oh..Sigggh!

The only one who mattered to me more than anything else and perhaps still does is S. Guess that is what is the problem. May be A was just a reprieve for me from all that I missed about S and how he was never there for me when needed and how he was never there for me when all I needed was his comforting, assuring silent presence in the cacophony of my mercurial feelings.


Listening to: What I am looking for – Brendan Benson

Today’s Happiness Quotient

Guess its time for new additions to this place. The melancholic feel of this place has to have something positive to it. Dont know what more additons but for starters a random tid bit of what made me smile, feel happy, inspired and alive will get posted under this tag.


I am going to one of my team member’s wedding today. Its a conscious effort for me too  stay strong and feel normal in a huge crowd. But this is the only way I can get back to my familiar surroundings with a new altered perception.

I am getting my treatment done in a different city and have come down to mumbai for a week just so that I feel in touch with my life again rather than living as a recluse in that city until the treatment gets over. Though I have my family there, what I miss is the routine of this life, the daily travel to work, the hustle and bustle of work, weekend getaways with friends, playing kids in the park of my complex, the comforting slip into my favourite sofa and watching TV…the feel of MY life the way it was. I am back but with a heavy sense of disorientation yet with an intense sense of familiarity. So, today will be a gradual step towards entering the old life with a new outlook.

So off I go to the wedding and meet all my friends and team members. I have been very fortunate to have a team and boss who is all like a family and they all have been very very supportive of my situation. I am all excited to meet them..

So off i go to Firangi Paani..

I had almost decided to delete the blog and never come back to this place. Simply beacuse this place is no longer the same as it was before. A sudden jolt and twist of fate has left me to evaluate what my life has been so far. Such mayhem in my head and listlessness. What sense do I make of all that is happening?

Two months. Two months since I discovered that my life has changed. Two months of  countless moments spent wondering what went wrong. How did it all happen?

I had decided I will never write about this phase of my life. Maintained a diary for a certain few days with all that I went through, all that my family went through, thinking about all that was going to unfold for the next one year. About the relationship that I lost. About the one person who I never really have been able to get off my mind inspite of so many attempts. About old, dead relationships that I had almost discarded from my life and have come to rediscover their importance now.

Thought about all the wrongs I did. About all the hurtful things have said, have done. About how I chose some very wrong people over those who should have never been on the wrong side of me ever. Sometimes i think about …what now…or may be that is the only most important thing i think about…WHAT NOW…how do i get my life back on track…

I havent been able to believe that its happening still. Though its been more than two months of treatment and slowly getting closer to it getting over..yet its a long way before I figure out the new course of life.

There were times during the last two months that I used to lie down on the hospital bed and zone out staring with aching eyes at the colorless empty ceiling. A blank ceiling getting splashed with weak, fearful, confusing, regretful, angry thoughts running in my mind. My eyes would refuse to go along with the stabbing emotions clawing at me… They kept saying, stay positive and be strong. Not just for yourself but for your family too. They just kept saying., stay positive and be strong. But no one ever told me how to when all my reasoning capacity was crippled with shock and disbelief, and I knew no better than be fearful and utterly clueless about my life henceforth.

Away from work, from friends, trapped like in a room made of glass. Able to see everything, everyone, but frustratingly cut off from all of them. Dealing with it all not as everyday comes but taking every passing minute as it comes.


I want to stop now…have got this weird aching sensation in my head. Want to just shake it off..get rid of it. Want to feel peaceful.


Listening to:

Chal Diye: Zeb & Haniya

Life in a Metro..

Is mod se jaate hain

Kuch susta kadam rastein

Kuch tez kadam rahein

Empty streets of Mumbai in the night

A late night drive on the streets of Mumbai brings out the wanderer in me. All I want to do is sit absorbed and enthralled – body & soul into nowhere. A yearning to drift into a strange periphery of promises, fulfillment and opportunities. A drive in your car or in a taxi, nothing compares to the swelling sense of freedom and wander lust. I belong to the para military background and have travelled far and wide. Hence, could never fathom of falling in love with any one place in particular. I may have memories and sweet nothings to think of from those various places but never did I feel that I would miss any city as I miss Mumbai whenever I get myself packed to a lesser diverse city. I still like to believe that I am way above the city and its temptations. Yet I crave for a sense of belonging and acceptance from this city. Feel a sort of affinity that comes from the sheer presence of the comfort in the discomfort while wading through a routine day. Like the many other first times, I never thought I’ll write a post on the city and its magnificence. But here I am, really genuinely putting disconnected words together about my experience. So guess I am becoming a Mumbaikar in the true sense. Agreeing to the fact that, The one who lives in Mumbai can’t live anywhere else and those who live outside Mumbai can’t live here.

No this post is not inspired by the luster of Slumdog Millionaire but, a late night drive from a party made me realise how happy a moment is the drive down the brightly lit streets. Refusing to tire or sleep. Awake and running into length.

Glamour. Moolah. High-rises. Struggle. Emptiness. Poverty. Diversity. Togetherness. Pride. Callousness. Conning. Opportunities. Simplicity. Confidence. Vulnerability. Sincerity. Coldhearted. Generous.

So much is bundled into this one city. I am just beginning to unravel it.

Ek durr se aati hai, Pass aa ke palatati hai

Ek rah akeli si, rukti hai na chalati hai

Pa pA pA ra

This post is out of utter boredom.

Its quite quiet out here. Its 3:35 pm in the afternoon and mum is sleeping and my sis is sleeping. My neighbor is screaming. I can almost get to hear through one of the windows of the living room that her sister-in-law is such a nag. Correction. I don’t say it. She said it. Sachchi!! Ussi ne bola. God promise. Twitches the skin on the Adam’s Apple. ;)

Downloading Luxor.I want to get back to playing games. Just like my MBA days. Yup, I played games in MBA. All sorts of games. Mind games. Love games. Computer games. I am such a vella. Go girl!!!! :D

I am missing someone. Ok. I know one is not allowed to turn back when apparently they are supposed to be “moving on”. But helllooo…Kya karein ji..Dil hai ki manta nahi!!!

I am going on a family outing today. Yes yes. The entire family i.e. me , mum and my sis (dad is posted in Bihar right now) will be going Grocery Shopping!!! Hola. *yawn*. So my evening hours have a long wait at the cash counter, struggling with the cart, cramped aisles, faulty bar code readers, staring at lesser crowded aisles and the urge to jump the line and push my cart to the lesser crowded one. Sheesh!! Yawn. Yawn. I think Footloose is my anthem for today.

I knew that yawning is supposed to be contagious. You look at someone yawning and then there goes the widening of the red sea. Wide. Wide. Wider. But I didn’t know that merely thinking of a yawn or writing, typing or reading  the word could also cause the eyes to get bleary and the mouth to puff out air. I must have yawned at least 10 times while typing out this paragraph. No kidding. Sachchi! Achcha thik hai 9. But no. Not lesser than that. God Promise. Twitches the skin again…;)

Hmph!! I hate apples. I hate fruits. I like Watermelon. Muskmelon. Umm…and sometimes grapes. But thats it. No More fruits for me. I don’t believe in healthy eating. I am a glutton. I love eating. Food is my anti-depressant.

Hmm…missing missing. Missing someone. The impulsive messaging.

If you like someone. You just like them.You can’t explain it. It feels like this amazing feeling that rises from within and all you know is that you like them. No detective-like questions but  just the fact that you are comfortable with them.  You as you. They as themselves.

As always my short vacation is not happening. Canned again. I have just realised, my need for such small breaks is becoming a frequent matter these days. Looks like I need some change. May be a new life altogether will work. New people. New place. New everything.

My new hairdo seems to be one of the few wise decisions I have made.

My Insurance Agent is really hot!!! He is young and 5 ft 9 in. Big eyes. Intense eyes. Is it just coincidence or you noticed it too that I am talking a lot about guys these days??? Either my posts or the comments would have some mention of some or the other likable attribute of the opposite sex. Darn. I really need a life now!

I keep oscillating between denial and confrontation. Anger and affection. Clarity and confusion. Being tamed and wild. Smug and yearning. Weak and strong.  Phew!

I love Khosla ka Ghosla.

FEEDJIT has less work. I am the only visitor.

I am bored.

Listening to: Part Time Lover

We are undercover passion on the run
Chasing love up against the sun
We are strangers by day, lovers by night
Knowing its so wrong, but feeling so right