You did all that you could

I wonder if I can let myself believe this. Where have i reached? All i want to do is erase every memory of you. Every waking moment is spent ignoring the ache and desperation and love for you. How many more times do i have to go through this? For the sake of my sanity i wished you never happened to me. But that is not true. When today i dont even know what holds for me in the future, i only get past each self doubting and uncertain moment with the memory of the time spent with you. How can i not cherish it. But also, how can i forget the way you’ve shunned me.

Kuch bacha hi nahi darmiyaan..saans leti hain dooriyan…

I can feel words swelling up in my throat. Struggling to reach out to you. I want to scream ENOUGH!!!. Stop please..dont smother me..please. How did i reach this stage? No matter how much i love you i want you out of my life. That is the only way i can live another moment. I have tried enough. I cant anymore. There is nothing that i can do now. I have done all i could. I couldnt have done it alone. I would have needed you to walk with me and make this work together. But you never saw the life in the love, in the promises, in the pleas. I only chose to love you. But you chose to hurt me for doing that.

I didnt ask for much. I only wanted your memory to be mine..but you seemed to have ruined even that for me.

All we ever did was say goodbye…Why?

What I am looking for…

Well I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more
And I won’t be satisfied
‘Till there’s nothing left that I haven’t tried
For some people it’s an easy choice
But for me there’s a devil and an angel’s voice
Well I don’t know what I am looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more

Well I don’t know what I’m living for
But I know that I just wanna live some more
And you hear it from strangers
And you hear it from friends
That love never dies, love never ends
Now I don’t wanna argue, no I don’t wanna fight
‘Cause you’re always wrong and I’m always right
Well I don’t know what I am living for
But I know that I just wanna live some more

I used to be involved, and I felt like a king
Now I’ve lost it all and I don’t feel a thing
I may never grow old, I may never give in
And I’ll blame this world that I live in
I visit hell on a daily basis
I see the sadness in all your faces
I’ve got friends who have married
And their lives seem complete
Here I am still stumbling down a darkened street

And I act like a child and I’m insecure
And I’m filled with doubt and I’m immature
Sometimes it creeps up on me and before I know it
I’m lost at sea
But no matter how far I row
I always find my way back home
But I don’t know what I’ve been waiting for
But I know that I don’t wanna wait anymore

~~~

A messaged today. After two months. He has shifted to a new city. New job after completing his MBA. The last we spoke was two months ago when I just discovered about my situation. Ok here is a little insight into the relationship that we share. We are school friends who lost touch after school and came back into regular conversing by sheer chance. We are not INTO a relationship with each other but just be there for each other when needed. Sometimes totally for a matter of convenience. Yet he happens to be very considerate and he wanted to know what has happened that has got me to avoid him. For clarity, I have stopped being the way i used to be with him. Which is totally free-spirited, excited and sure of myself. He happens to have a girl friend already whom he plans to marry.

So having said that, now that he insists again and again to know what has happened, I am getting tired of this little peek-a-boo game. I probably want to tell him, yet, something holds me back. I feel that all this while I was under the impression that nothing matters  to me about what is in his life.When we are around and get talking he is totally in my sphere of existence. Laughing, teasing, sharing, talking and that is what matters to me since neither was he nor was I in love with each other. We just liked each others company. However, this not telling him business doesnt seem to be going down well with me. I just want to get it out and done with it. That would just make it a lot more easier for me to deal with. It isnt’ for any sympathy or pity. But somehow felt that for the sake of the good times we had with each other I should since he too is getting all worried and all. But No.NOOOOO. I dont know what to do. Its not like he can do anything about it. It is a very personal issue and why should he know about it. Its just going to be really awkward.

Arrghhh!! I am a screw up in  my head. Ain’t I? What am I writing. Does it even seem relevant? Or its just some gibberish. Oh Hell…..give me a break!

Well I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more…

Oh…on a post publishing read of the post makes me wonder…if you can make any sense of the  little info thrown in about the girl friend he plans to marry. What was that mentioned there for? WHAT? Oh..Sigggh!

The only one who mattered to me more than anything else and perhaps still does is S. Guess that is what is the problem. May be A was just a reprieve for me from all that I missed about S and how he was never there for me when needed and how he was never there for me when all I needed was his comforting, assuring silent presence in the cacophony of my mercurial feelings.

~~~

Listening to: What I am looking for – Brendan Benson

Then and now

Here are few borrowed words from my old blog.This was then.

Its easy to cry,
but difficult to laugh
Its easy to betray,
but difficult to trust
Its easy to hate,
but difficult to love
Its easy to judge,
but difficult to justify

This is now,

Its difficult to cry,
and even more difficult to pretend to laugh
Its difficult to betray,
and even more difficult not to trust
Its difficult to hate,
and even more difficult not to love
Its difficult to judge,
and even more difficult to justify