What I am looking for…

Well I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more
And I won’t be satisfied
‘Till there’s nothing left that I haven’t tried
For some people it’s an easy choice
But for me there’s a devil and an angel’s voice
Well I don’t know what I am looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more

Well I don’t know what I’m living for
But I know that I just wanna live some more
And you hear it from strangers
And you hear it from friends
That love never dies, love never ends
Now I don’t wanna argue, no I don’t wanna fight
‘Cause you’re always wrong and I’m always right
Well I don’t know what I am living for
But I know that I just wanna live some more

I used to be involved, and I felt like a king
Now I’ve lost it all and I don’t feel a thing
I may never grow old, I may never give in
And I’ll blame this world that I live in
I visit hell on a daily basis
I see the sadness in all your faces
I’ve got friends who have married
And their lives seem complete
Here I am still stumbling down a darkened street

And I act like a child and I’m insecure
And I’m filled with doubt and I’m immature
Sometimes it creeps up on me and before I know it
I’m lost at sea
But no matter how far I row
I always find my way back home
But I don’t know what I’ve been waiting for
But I know that I don’t wanna wait anymore

~~~

A messaged today. After two months. He has shifted to a new city. New job after completing his MBA. The last we spoke was two months ago when I just discovered about my situation. Ok here is a little insight into the relationship that we share. We are school friends who lost touch after school and came back into regular conversing by sheer chance. We are not INTO a relationship with each other but just be there for each other when needed. Sometimes totally for a matter of convenience. Yet he happens to be very considerate and he wanted to know what has happened that has got me to avoid him. For clarity, I have stopped being the way i used to be with him. Which is totally free-spirited, excited and sure of myself. He happens to have a girl friend already whom he plans to marry.

So having said that, now that he insists again and again to know what has happened, I am getting tired of this little peek-a-boo game. I probably want to tell him, yet, something holds me back. I feel that all this while I was under the impression that nothing matters  to me about what is in his life.When we are around and get talking he is totally in my sphere of existence. Laughing, teasing, sharing, talking and that is what matters to me since neither was he nor was I in love with each other. We just liked each others company. However, this not telling him business doesnt seem to be going down well with me. I just want to get it out and done with it. That would just make it a lot more easier for me to deal with. It isnt’ for any sympathy or pity. But somehow felt that for the sake of the good times we had with each other I should since he too is getting all worried and all. But No.NOOOOO. I dont know what to do. Its not like he can do anything about it. It is a very personal issue and why should he know about it. Its just going to be really awkward.

Arrghhh!! I am a screw up in  my head. Ain’t I? What am I writing. Does it even seem relevant? Or its just some gibberish. Oh Hell…..give me a break!

Well I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more…

Oh…on a post publishing read of the post makes me wonder…if you can make any sense of the  little info thrown in about the girl friend he plans to marry. What was that mentioned there for? WHAT? Oh..Sigggh!

The only one who mattered to me more than anything else and perhaps still does is S. Guess that is what is the problem. May be A was just a reprieve for me from all that I missed about S and how he was never there for me when needed and how he was never there for me when all I needed was his comforting, assuring silent presence in the cacophony of my mercurial feelings.

~~~

Listening to: What I am looking for – Brendan Benson

Today’s Happiness Quotient

Guess its time for new additions to this place. The melancholic feel of this place has to have something positive to it. Dont know what more additons but for starters a random tid bit of what made me smile, feel happy, inspired and alive will get posted under this tag.

~~~

I am going to one of my team member’s wedding today. Its a conscious effort for me too  stay strong and feel normal in a huge crowd. But this is the only way I can get back to my familiar surroundings with a new altered perception.

I am getting my treatment done in a different city and have come down to mumbai for a week just so that I feel in touch with my life again rather than living as a recluse in that city until the treatment gets over. Though I have my family there, what I miss is the routine of this life, the daily travel to work, the hustle and bustle of work, weekend getaways with friends, playing kids in the park of my complex, the comforting slip into my favourite sofa and watching TV…the feel of MY life the way it was. I am back but with a heavy sense of disorientation yet with an intense sense of familiarity. So, today will be a gradual step towards entering the old life with a new outlook.

So off I go to the wedding and meet all my friends and team members. I have been very fortunate to have a team and boss who is all like a family and they all have been very very supportive of my situation. I am all excited to meet them..

So off i go to Firangi Paani..

I had almost decided to delete the blog and never come back to this place. Simply beacuse this place is no longer the same as it was before. A sudden jolt and twist of fate has left me to evaluate what my life has been so far. Such mayhem in my head and listlessness. What sense do I make of all that is happening?

Two months. Two months since I discovered that my life has changed. Two months of  countless moments spent wondering what went wrong. How did it all happen?

I had decided I will never write about this phase of my life. Maintained a diary for a certain few days with all that I went through, all that my family went through, thinking about all that was going to unfold for the next one year. About the relationship that I lost. About the one person who I never really have been able to get off my mind inspite of so many attempts. About old, dead relationships that I had almost discarded from my life and have come to rediscover their importance now.

Thought about all the wrongs I did. About all the hurtful things have said, have done. About how I chose some very wrong people over those who should have never been on the wrong side of me ever. Sometimes i think about …what now…or may be that is the only most important thing i think about…WHAT NOW…how do i get my life back on track…

I havent been able to believe that its happening still. Though its been more than two months of treatment and slowly getting closer to it getting over..yet its a long way before I figure out the new course of life.

There were times during the last two months that I used to lie down on the hospital bed and zone out staring with aching eyes at the colorless empty ceiling. A blank ceiling getting splashed with weak, fearful, confusing, regretful, angry thoughts running in my mind. My eyes would refuse to go along with the stabbing emotions clawing at me… They kept saying, stay positive and be strong. Not just for yourself but for your family too. They just kept saying., stay positive and be strong. But no one ever told me how to when all my reasoning capacity was crippled with shock and disbelief, and I knew no better than be fearful and utterly clueless about my life henceforth.

Away from work, from friends, trapped like in a room made of glass. Able to see everything, everyone, but frustratingly cut off from all of them. Dealing with it all not as everyday comes but taking every passing minute as it comes.

…….

I want to stop now…have got this weird aching sensation in my head. Want to just shake it off..get rid of it. Want to feel peaceful.

…….

Listening to:

Chal Diye: Zeb & Haniya

Some days..

Some days I let it go

Some days I hold on

Some days I want to touch

Some days I want to hurt

Some days I want words

Some days I want silence

Some days I am my own cure

Some days I am the malady

Some days I am together

Some  days I am broken

Some days I forgive

Some days I sin

***

Some days I accept

Some days I deny

Some days I deny

Some day I will have to accept

Put another dime in the jukebox babay

Is one allowed to start the day feeling really really annoyed and bugged and irritable??? I have this intense urge to very forcefully smash something. Fling something up against the wall. See it mercilessly break into little fragments. Break Break Break. I want to destroy something. Only then shall I find some calm to the violent bristling within my mind.

And before anyone thinks its the much touted PMS-ing. Nope. Its not. I can be doing this effortless switch between being all in control and being all ruffled and  flustered quite often. Darn! What a thing to master.

Yes. So just as the title of the post says. Yes! I am a jukebox. A friggin used and abused jukebox. Just dump a clinking new dime into my growling money pit and I shall start singing to your tunes.

One clinking dump – I start belting out the funny goofy songs to make you laugh. yeah and a bit of animated moves too.

Another clinking dump – I string together oodles of compliments and the make-you-feel-good-even-if-I-wish-to-never-see-your-face-again kinda praises.

And another clinking dump – Give that obliging concurring nod when all I want to do is hold you by your neck and rattle you and tell you to shut the f*** up.

Yet another clink – I try to conceal my turmoil under fake smiles, pretentious small talks, joining the wandering conversations about clothes and vacations and “Life in general” when all I want to do is lock myself up in a room with no one around me and howl.

Wow, I so have an exciting life to talk about!

Can I just be me once?Think about what I want to think?Say what I want to say?Do what I want to do? And still not feel like a criminal flouting rules of the so-called acceptance and we-are-together crap?

I don’t want to be together. I want to be me!

..and you bleed just to know you are alive

Sometimes one doesn’t say things because they solicit any response. But its said only to let it out. There was no desperate plea for emotional reciprocation but only an attempt to vent out what could have otherwise ripped apart my hold on my mind.Sometimes you have to cut yourself to let out the muck and heal the wound. But that does not mean you are hurting yourself by letting the wound bleed.

Sometimes one may not cry because they are weak but only because they don’t want to turn weak due to the bottling up.

Some wishes hold the charm only when they are a wish.

Sometimes one may not hope to see the hope turning to reality but only to revel in the imagination of how would it seem if it did.

So if that’s what turned the pages then lots is left unsaid and unclear as i don’t feel i am free yet. I am still bound to those empty words. You had the right to your choice. But so did I. I too had the right to move out of it dignified and not with a contempt for self.

Didn’t I?

It can’t be just a click of the phone!