Just like this…

You heard me telling you the truth so often that I don’t hear the truth in it anymore myself.

You are my sunshine. Muuaaahhhh!

Listening to: Just Like This – Holly Brook

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What I am looking for…

Well I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more
And I won’t be satisfied
‘Till there’s nothing left that I haven’t tried
For some people it’s an easy choice
But for me there’s a devil and an angel’s voice
Well I don’t know what I am looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more

Well I don’t know what I’m living for
But I know that I just wanna live some more
And you hear it from strangers
And you hear it from friends
That love never dies, love never ends
Now I don’t wanna argue, no I don’t wanna fight
‘Cause you’re always wrong and I’m always right
Well I don’t know what I am living for
But I know that I just wanna live some more

I used to be involved, and I felt like a king
Now I’ve lost it all and I don’t feel a thing
I may never grow old, I may never give in
And I’ll blame this world that I live in
I visit hell on a daily basis
I see the sadness in all your faces
I’ve got friends who have married
And their lives seem complete
Here I am still stumbling down a darkened street

And I act like a child and I’m insecure
And I’m filled with doubt and I’m immature
Sometimes it creeps up on me and before I know it
I’m lost at sea
But no matter how far I row
I always find my way back home
But I don’t know what I’ve been waiting for
But I know that I don’t wanna wait anymore

~~~

A messaged today. After two months. He has shifted to a new city. New job after completing his MBA. The last we spoke was two months ago when I just discovered about my situation. Ok here is a little insight into the relationship that we share. We are school friends who lost touch after school and came back into regular conversing by sheer chance. We are not INTO a relationship with each other but just be there for each other when needed. Sometimes totally for a matter of convenience. Yet he happens to be very considerate and he wanted to know what has happened that has got me to avoid him. For clarity, I have stopped being the way i used to be with him. Which is totally free-spirited, excited and sure of myself. He happens to have a girl friend already whom he plans to marry.

So having said that, now that he insists again and again to know what has happened, I am getting tired of this little peek-a-boo game. I probably want to tell him, yet, something holds me back. I feel that all this while I was under the impression that nothing matters  to me about what is in his life.When we are around and get talking he is totally in my sphere of existence. Laughing, teasing, sharing, talking and that is what matters to me since neither was he nor was I in love with each other. We just liked each others company. However, this not telling him business doesnt seem to be going down well with me. I just want to get it out and done with it. That would just make it a lot more easier for me to deal with. It isnt’ for any sympathy or pity. But somehow felt that for the sake of the good times we had with each other I should since he too is getting all worried and all. But No.NOOOOO. I dont know what to do. Its not like he can do anything about it. It is a very personal issue and why should he know about it. Its just going to be really awkward.

Arrghhh!! I am a screw up in  my head. Ain’t I? What am I writing. Does it even seem relevant? Or its just some gibberish. Oh Hell…..give me a break!

Well I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more…

Oh…on a post publishing read of the post makes me wonder…if you can make any sense of the  little info thrown in about the girl friend he plans to marry. What was that mentioned there for? WHAT? Oh..Sigggh!

The only one who mattered to me more than anything else and perhaps still does is S. Guess that is what is the problem. May be A was just a reprieve for me from all that I missed about S and how he was never there for me when needed and how he was never there for me when all I needed was his comforting, assuring silent presence in the cacophony of my mercurial feelings.

~~~

Listening to: What I am looking for – Brendan Benson

Moooooozik

Today was very musical. All thanks to my colleague R. He got a loaded CD of the coolest retro songs. I totally freaked out when I saw those songs. Not that I couldn’t have got those songs from anywhere else but they just didn’t seem so visible in the immediate memory of the to-be-downloaded list. Slid away somewhere into the archives. As I kept going through the list of songs I could see blurred images of the good old times snapping quickly like a slideshow. Some with a black and white tone and some with coloured, smudged edges. Memories of ordinary, routine days or happy, celebrating times. Memories with family, friends at school or even at the hostel in college. Every song had some or the other bit of those wonder years coming back. Coming back with a smile.

Modern Talking holds more memories of my childhood.

Cheri Cheri Lady

In Goa. Evenings when dad used to come back from work and he would turn on the deck and go about doing his work.Just the memory of dad doing his work, mum in the kitchen and my sis out playing. Carefree days. Full of bliss.

Brother Louie

In Goa. Similar evenings when dad would come back from work, switch on the deck and I would start dancing and stamping my feet, swinging my arms, and bobbing my head. The deck used to be placed high up on the wall on one of those wooden stands to hold them up. So my usual way of dancing was to look up at that Sharp brand silver deck with two big blue speakers and those 4 small round buttons to adjust the volume, tuning, bass, treble and one big one to adjust the radio tuning and those grey snapping controls to play, stop, pause, rewind, forward and record. I used to always look up at the deck and dance like it was my partner in the mindless swinging. So it was me staring at the deck and then dad joining me midway, lifting me up and dancing with me in his arms. I must have been 4 then. Baada oui oui oui..how I sang it…

Michael Jackson oops Mikaeel Jackson – We are the world

Standard four.Annual day. Long practice sessions. After school practice. Stage performance. A whole group of some 50 odd kids sang this song during our Annual Day when I was in 4th std. All the kids split into pairs. Each dressed in colourful clothes from different cultures to symbolise unity and togetherness, singing We are the world. In between me and Rohini(my partner, we were the South Indians with pretty sarees) exchange glances with each other while our lips curve and twist and mouth the lyrics and form into a grin. My pic from the performance has me and Rohini staring at each other. While Sonal looks on wondering what secret coversation we were having on stage.

Kenny Loggins – Footloose

A cute boy. Amazing Dancer. Inter Collegiate Dance competition. My friend was part of a dance troupe for the inter collegiate dance competition during grads. So this was the song for the dance. The cute boy, I think his name began with I, was also the choreographer. He was from Calcutta I suppose. Cute really cute. Amazing dancer. A real treat to watch. I used to accompany my friend to the practice sessions and I could kill to be in his arms. Just to be swirled and swayed and swept away off my feet the way he did to her. Those teasing explores of the waist and those intertwined fingers and that cute cute really cute boyish smile he had with those sparkling whites. Superb footwork and swift movements. Mushy mushy.

Dirty Dancing – She is like the wind, Hungry eyes, The time of my life, Billy Ray Cyrus – Achy breaky heart

Moko. Hostel. Moko. Hostel. College bunking. Late mornings. Gossip. These songs have more memories of life at the hostel with Moko. Waking up late after a really late night session of gossip and midnight munching. I can picture Moko smitten by Patrick Swayze and dancing to Time of my life. She singing Achy breaky heart in her half Indian half South African accent. Her knee length tresses slipping down her shoulders everytime she decides to make a dance move.

Spent all my time on my way back from work listening to Footloose and Cheri Cheri Lady. I could have jumped out onto the aisle and danced my way up and down it in the bus :)

Listening to: Cheri Cheri Lady :) Can’t get enough.

Off to watch Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Its ok to express sometimes…

Messages written for me by my colleagues

These were the messages written for me by my colleagues for the “Make a Difference this New Year” thing that happened today at work. It was to act as an opportunity to write personal messages for each other for the coming new year and thank each other for anything that we felt was a very thoughtful act on their part. Got messages from unexpected corners. It was really nice to get those.

***

Flawless songs. Songs from the movie Luck By Chance scored by the trio Shankar, Ehsaan & Loy are really really worth a buy for all. Brilliant lyrics by Javed Akhtar and really soulful songs by the trio.

Listening to: O Rahi Re

Aasaniyan mil sakti hain tujhko zamaane se
Par zara yeh bata
Jeena hai kya yun tujhe
Aazadiyan tu payega khud ko hi paane se
Phir bata koi darr mehsus ho kyun tujhe
Hoga tera hi yeh faisla

Aasaniyan, Aazadiyan
Bol tera hai kaun sa rasta
Rahi re
Oh rahi re, kisiko nahi hai pata
Rahi re

O rahi re, kahan jaa raha hai bata

First day First show on 23rd :) Guess that is when its releasing.