What I am looking for…

Well I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more
And I won’t be satisfied
‘Till there’s nothing left that I haven’t tried
For some people it’s an easy choice
But for me there’s a devil and an angel’s voice
Well I don’t know what I am looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more

Well I don’t know what I’m living for
But I know that I just wanna live some more
And you hear it from strangers
And you hear it from friends
That love never dies, love never ends
Now I don’t wanna argue, no I don’t wanna fight
‘Cause you’re always wrong and I’m always right
Well I don’t know what I am living for
But I know that I just wanna live some more

I used to be involved, and I felt like a king
Now I’ve lost it all and I don’t feel a thing
I may never grow old, I may never give in
And I’ll blame this world that I live in
I visit hell on a daily basis
I see the sadness in all your faces
I’ve got friends who have married
And their lives seem complete
Here I am still stumbling down a darkened street

And I act like a child and I’m insecure
And I’m filled with doubt and I’m immature
Sometimes it creeps up on me and before I know it
I’m lost at sea
But no matter how far I row
I always find my way back home
But I don’t know what I’ve been waiting for
But I know that I don’t wanna wait anymore

~~~

A messaged today. After two months. He has shifted to a new city. New job after completing his MBA. The last we spoke was two months ago when I just discovered about my situation. Ok here is a little insight into the relationship that we share. We are school friends who lost touch after school and came back into regular conversing by sheer chance. We are not INTO a relationship with each other but just be there for each other when needed. Sometimes totally for a matter of convenience. Yet he happens to be very considerate and he wanted to know what has happened that has got me to avoid him. For clarity, I have stopped being the way i used to be with him. Which is totally free-spirited, excited and sure of myself. He happens to have a girl friend already whom he plans to marry.

So having said that, now that he insists again and again to know what has happened, I am getting tired of this little peek-a-boo game. I probably want to tell him, yet, something holds me back. I feel that all this while I was under the impression that nothing matters  to me about what is in his life.When we are around and get talking he is totally in my sphere of existence. Laughing, teasing, sharing, talking and that is what matters to me since neither was he nor was I in love with each other. We just liked each others company. However, this not telling him business doesnt seem to be going down well with me. I just want to get it out and done with it. That would just make it a lot more easier for me to deal with. It isnt’ for any sympathy or pity. But somehow felt that for the sake of the good times we had with each other I should since he too is getting all worried and all. But No.NOOOOO. I dont know what to do. Its not like he can do anything about it. It is a very personal issue and why should he know about it. Its just going to be really awkward.

Arrghhh!! I am a screw up in  my head. Ain’t I? What am I writing. Does it even seem relevant? Or its just some gibberish. Oh Hell…..give me a break!

Well I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more…

Oh…on a post publishing read of the post makes me wonder…if you can make any sense of the  little info thrown in about the girl friend he plans to marry. What was that mentioned there for? WHAT? Oh..Sigggh!

The only one who mattered to me more than anything else and perhaps still does is S. Guess that is what is the problem. May be A was just a reprieve for me from all that I missed about S and how he was never there for me when needed and how he was never there for me when all I needed was his comforting, assuring silent presence in the cacophony of my mercurial feelings.

~~~

Listening to: What I am looking for – Brendan Benson

Sometimes its better not to hear as a sound, even your own most guarded and deeply nestled thoughts. Not as a confession. Not as an expression. Not as a plea. Not even as the knowledge that it exists at all. You may be surprised at the repulsiveness, the ugliness of their intensity.

Surprised at your own self.

Listening to: Pardesi  from Dev D

Gone in 60 seconds…

Happy and high-spirited while listening to Yeh Zindagi Bhi from Luck By Chance…

Thinking of leaving early from work…

A rundown in the mind about the meeting with the new super super boss…

A quick fall back on the Law of Attraction from Secret…

Planning to call up a friend to meet…

Planning to watch Dev D…

A rundown on pending investment declarations…

Sudden urge to switch to  Payaliya from Dev D…

Another sudden urge to go for a smoke…RIGHT NOW…

…this is what constituted one of the many rushed one minutes today.

Samjhane se kab mana hai

Dekho karta zid hai yeh dil

Chune hain taare ise

Chahiye saare ise.

Foolhardy?

I miss my baby. My cute little, stubborn, cranky, silly, adorable baby. Muuuuuauaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!

Risky. But will endure it.

Foolhardy?

Listening to: Phas Gaya (Aamir),  Behind Blue Eyes ( Pearl Jam)

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

***

When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool


Random

This post was written yesterday, published once, pulled out and now republished.

***

Gorging Mocca Mousse chunks from Fantasie. One of the best range of centered chocolates suiting my preference of bitter coffee.Recently discovered this nice little chocolate heaven around Marine Lines. Delectable range of chocolates. I am going cocoa shopping again.
Went to the alumni meet of my MBA institute yesterday. Met up old friends, batch mates, profs. Not a very indulging affair.
Was working on Sat because of a training programme. I didn’t have much to do but to check on the arrangements. Spent the entire day reading in the office library at the HO while supervising the training programme at intervals. I love the library. Superb view from the ceiling to floor glass windows opening out to the dockyard.
Thought of giving up blogging. Nothing unusual. Just one of those usual phases of boredom. I think I am going to continue this time for a fairly longer period than the last time.

Want the people of earth away from me for sometime. May be me, my MP3 player, few books, movies and a lot of, loooot of silence will be the perfect survival kit.

I want to turn back time to three years ago when I was uninhibited, sure and clear in my head.
Doing the Masakali dance :D
Laughed my head off while watching the Dandiya Task at roadies. Oouuuchhhhhhh!!!!!!! :D

I began reading The Minster’s Wife by Amaresh Misra. So far a very average book with a very average treatment on an equally average subject.

***

Listening to: O..Saya (Slumdong Millionaire)

Like the sudden rush of energy that comes listening to the song. Slow ascension in the beats like the swift labouring wheels of a local train. Cliched, but symbolic of the maddening pace of the  tireless lives in Mumbai.

Pa pA pA ra

This post is out of utter boredom.

Its quite quiet out here. Its 3:35 pm in the afternoon and mum is sleeping and my sis is sleeping. My neighbor is screaming. I can almost get to hear through one of the windows of the living room that her sister-in-law is such a nag. Correction. I don’t say it. She said it. Sachchi!! Ussi ne bola. God promise. Twitches the skin on the Adam’s Apple. ;)

Downloading Luxor.I want to get back to playing games. Just like my MBA days. Yup, I played games in MBA. All sorts of games. Mind games. Love games. Computer games. I am such a vella. Go girl!!!! :D

I am missing someone. Ok. I know one is not allowed to turn back when apparently they are supposed to be “moving on”. But helllooo…Kya karein ji..Dil hai ki manta nahi!!!

I am going on a family outing today. Yes yes. The entire family i.e. me , mum and my sis (dad is posted in Bihar right now) will be going Grocery Shopping!!! Hola. *yawn*. So my evening hours have a long wait at the cash counter, struggling with the cart, cramped aisles, faulty bar code readers, staring at lesser crowded aisles and the urge to jump the line and push my cart to the lesser crowded one. Sheesh!! Yawn. Yawn. I think Footloose is my anthem for today.

I knew that yawning is supposed to be contagious. You look at someone yawning and then there goes the widening of the red sea. Wide. Wide. Wider. But I didn’t know that merely thinking of a yawn or writing, typing or reading  the word could also cause the eyes to get bleary and the mouth to puff out air. I must have yawned at least 10 times while typing out this paragraph. No kidding. Sachchi! Achcha thik hai 9. But no. Not lesser than that. God Promise. Twitches the skin again…;)

Hmph!! I hate apples. I hate fruits. I like Watermelon. Muskmelon. Umm…and sometimes grapes. But thats it. No More fruits for me. I don’t believe in healthy eating. I am a glutton. I love eating. Food is my anti-depressant.

Hmm…missing missing. Missing someone. The impulsive messaging.

If you like someone. You just like them.You can’t explain it. It feels like this amazing feeling that rises from within and all you know is that you like them. No detective-like questions but  just the fact that you are comfortable with them.  You as you. They as themselves.

As always my short vacation is not happening. Canned again. I have just realised, my need for such small breaks is becoming a frequent matter these days. Looks like I need some change. May be a new life altogether will work. New people. New place. New everything.

My new hairdo seems to be one of the few wise decisions I have made.

My Insurance Agent is really hot!!! He is young and 5 ft 9 in. Big eyes. Intense eyes. Is it just coincidence or you noticed it too that I am talking a lot about guys these days??? Either my posts or the comments would have some mention of some or the other likable attribute of the opposite sex. Darn. I really need a life now!

I keep oscillating between denial and confrontation. Anger and affection. Clarity and confusion. Being tamed and wild. Smug and yearning. Weak and strong.  Phew!

I love Khosla ka Ghosla.

FEEDJIT has less work. I am the only visitor.

I am bored.

Listening to: Part Time Lover

We are undercover passion on the run
Chasing love up against the sun
We are strangers by day, lovers by night
Knowing its so wrong, but feeling so right

Moooooozik

Today was very musical. All thanks to my colleague R. He got a loaded CD of the coolest retro songs. I totally freaked out when I saw those songs. Not that I couldn’t have got those songs from anywhere else but they just didn’t seem so visible in the immediate memory of the to-be-downloaded list. Slid away somewhere into the archives. As I kept going through the list of songs I could see blurred images of the good old times snapping quickly like a slideshow. Some with a black and white tone and some with coloured, smudged edges. Memories of ordinary, routine days or happy, celebrating times. Memories with family, friends at school or even at the hostel in college. Every song had some or the other bit of those wonder years coming back. Coming back with a smile.

Modern Talking holds more memories of my childhood.

Cheri Cheri Lady

In Goa. Evenings when dad used to come back from work and he would turn on the deck and go about doing his work.Just the memory of dad doing his work, mum in the kitchen and my sis out playing. Carefree days. Full of bliss.

Brother Louie

In Goa. Similar evenings when dad would come back from work, switch on the deck and I would start dancing and stamping my feet, swinging my arms, and bobbing my head. The deck used to be placed high up on the wall on one of those wooden stands to hold them up. So my usual way of dancing was to look up at that Sharp brand silver deck with two big blue speakers and those 4 small round buttons to adjust the volume, tuning, bass, treble and one big one to adjust the radio tuning and those grey snapping controls to play, stop, pause, rewind, forward and record. I used to always look up at the deck and dance like it was my partner in the mindless swinging. So it was me staring at the deck and then dad joining me midway, lifting me up and dancing with me in his arms. I must have been 4 then. Baada oui oui oui..how I sang it…

Michael Jackson oops Mikaeel Jackson – We are the world

Standard four.Annual day. Long practice sessions. After school practice. Stage performance. A whole group of some 50 odd kids sang this song during our Annual Day when I was in 4th std. All the kids split into pairs. Each dressed in colourful clothes from different cultures to symbolise unity and togetherness, singing We are the world. In between me and Rohini(my partner, we were the South Indians with pretty sarees) exchange glances with each other while our lips curve and twist and mouth the lyrics and form into a grin. My pic from the performance has me and Rohini staring at each other. While Sonal looks on wondering what secret coversation we were having on stage.

Kenny Loggins – Footloose

A cute boy. Amazing Dancer. Inter Collegiate Dance competition. My friend was part of a dance troupe for the inter collegiate dance competition during grads. So this was the song for the dance. The cute boy, I think his name began with I, was also the choreographer. He was from Calcutta I suppose. Cute really cute. Amazing dancer. A real treat to watch. I used to accompany my friend to the practice sessions and I could kill to be in his arms. Just to be swirled and swayed and swept away off my feet the way he did to her. Those teasing explores of the waist and those intertwined fingers and that cute cute really cute boyish smile he had with those sparkling whites. Superb footwork and swift movements. Mushy mushy.

Dirty Dancing – She is like the wind, Hungry eyes, The time of my life, Billy Ray Cyrus – Achy breaky heart

Moko. Hostel. Moko. Hostel. College bunking. Late mornings. Gossip. These songs have more memories of life at the hostel with Moko. Waking up late after a really late night session of gossip and midnight munching. I can picture Moko smitten by Patrick Swayze and dancing to Time of my life. She singing Achy breaky heart in her half Indian half South African accent. Her knee length tresses slipping down her shoulders everytime she decides to make a dance move.

Spent all my time on my way back from work listening to Footloose and Cheri Cheri Lady. I could have jumped out onto the aisle and danced my way up and down it in the bus :)

Listening to: Cheri Cheri Lady :) Can’t get enough.

Off to watch Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.