You did all that you could

I wonder if I can let myself believe this. Where have i reached? All i want to do is erase every memory of you. Every waking moment is spent ignoring the ache and desperation and love for you. How many more times do i have to go through this? For the sake of my sanity i wished you never happened to me. But that is not true. When today i dont even know what holds for me in the future, i only get past each self doubting and uncertain moment with the memory of the time spent with you. How can i not cherish it. But also, how can i forget the way you’ve shunned me.

Kuch bacha hi nahi darmiyaan..saans leti hain dooriyan…

I can feel words swelling up in my throat. Struggling to reach out to you. I want to scream ENOUGH!!!. Stop please..dont smother me..please. How did i reach this stage? No matter how much i love you i want you out of my life. That is the only way i can live another moment. I have tried enough. I cant anymore. There is nothing that i can do now. I have done all i could. I couldnt have done it alone. I would have needed you to walk with me and make this work together. But you never saw the life in the love, in the promises, in the pleas. I only chose to love you. But you chose to hurt me for doing that.

I didnt ask for much. I only wanted your memory to be mine..but you seemed to have ruined even that for me.

All we ever did was say goodbye…Why?

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Quixotic ??

Hey S

No. It isn’t me. Spent enough of my time thinking that may be its me and not you. But come on, are you really that blind, insensitive, unreactive, selfish? Too bad that you couldn’t make out the difference between a real human being and a mere object of convenience. Have gone through this in my head so many times. Things that I finally wanted to say to you..stuff that I wanted you to realise, but truth be told, its just way way way too much of heartburn and disappointment no matter how many chances you get to get your act straight. You simply have no inkling of what the other person was all about. Oh yes, the only vocal and willing expression you made was that I am rude, impatient, unrealistic and impractical! Sure, why not. That is precisely what i was all along to have been through so much despite so many instances of you being a total insensitive jerk to me. Just cuz there is a virtual distance you assume that there is a lot of (in your terms) impractical and unrealistic hope I have. Nevertheless, thank you for proving me wrong and making me realise how I gave way too much importance to you than what you really deserved.

No it couldn’t have been only about you right. It couldn’t have been only about your priorities, your work, your ambition. At some point it had to be about me too. About my feelings, my emotions, my point of view. Was there any effort to understand those? It was always about what you want, how I should always say something nice to make the conversation light, or how I should say things so that you feel happy, or how I should be the one to make an effort to make the meetings happen. Fuck!!! my unreasonable, wasted head. Where was my self respect? Was friggin too blind and such a pudding head.

How did i let such a mess on to my life? HOW??? WHY???? Darn these sick, mushy, happy romantic books, movies, songs, couples and blah blah that make love such a desirable and out of this world feeling to have. Yes. Impractical and unrealistic i was. To think i could have had my share of this entire experience called love, liking, romance or call it whatever. Where I could have the assurance of someone special to talk to, to share with, to laugh with, to just know that you existed whenever i wished for a companion. But its too stale to talk about now. I doubt if you ever felt the need to quit your rhetorical and the self-indulgent, self-obsessed philosophy and look at things from my perspective ever. Wonder if you ever understood when i said, “I am tired of feeling empty by just giving. I need some too.”

I am amazed that at a time like this when i should be really thinking about the more important issues of my life, there still is your thought that springs up. Strong enough to cause a breakdown of the repressed, ignored, shunned questions, doubts, hurt, anger AND the affection.

I am guilty of still thinking that it shouldn’t have been such an ugly end. Wish it could have been clean, cooperative and minus any hard feelings. But such things are rarer than one can think of. This can’t go on. Its got to stop. You CANNOT plague my peace of mind like this. Get out. Get out..Get out of my mind. Leave me alone.

Leave me alone S.

But I don’t know what I’ve been waiting for
But I know that I don’t wanna wait anymore

….

Want to know a little secret? Most of the times things could have been fixed if you knew you had to say sorry. Really. Only problem…”if you knew”.

What I am looking for…

Well I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more
And I won’t be satisfied
‘Till there’s nothing left that I haven’t tried
For some people it’s an easy choice
But for me there’s a devil and an angel’s voice
Well I don’t know what I am looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more

Well I don’t know what I’m living for
But I know that I just wanna live some more
And you hear it from strangers
And you hear it from friends
That love never dies, love never ends
Now I don’t wanna argue, no I don’t wanna fight
‘Cause you’re always wrong and I’m always right
Well I don’t know what I am living for
But I know that I just wanna live some more

I used to be involved, and I felt like a king
Now I’ve lost it all and I don’t feel a thing
I may never grow old, I may never give in
And I’ll blame this world that I live in
I visit hell on a daily basis
I see the sadness in all your faces
I’ve got friends who have married
And their lives seem complete
Here I am still stumbling down a darkened street

And I act like a child and I’m insecure
And I’m filled with doubt and I’m immature
Sometimes it creeps up on me and before I know it
I’m lost at sea
But no matter how far I row
I always find my way back home
But I don’t know what I’ve been waiting for
But I know that I don’t wanna wait anymore

~~~

A messaged today. After two months. He has shifted to a new city. New job after completing his MBA. The last we spoke was two months ago when I just discovered about my situation. Ok here is a little insight into the relationship that we share. We are school friends who lost touch after school and came back into regular conversing by sheer chance. We are not INTO a relationship with each other but just be there for each other when needed. Sometimes totally for a matter of convenience. Yet he happens to be very considerate and he wanted to know what has happened that has got me to avoid him. For clarity, I have stopped being the way i used to be with him. Which is totally free-spirited, excited and sure of myself. He happens to have a girl friend already whom he plans to marry.

So having said that, now that he insists again and again to know what has happened, I am getting tired of this little peek-a-boo game. I probably want to tell him, yet, something holds me back. I feel that all this while I was under the impression that nothing matters  to me about what is in his life.When we are around and get talking he is totally in my sphere of existence. Laughing, teasing, sharing, talking and that is what matters to me since neither was he nor was I in love with each other. We just liked each others company. However, this not telling him business doesnt seem to be going down well with me. I just want to get it out and done with it. That would just make it a lot more easier for me to deal with. It isnt’ for any sympathy or pity. But somehow felt that for the sake of the good times we had with each other I should since he too is getting all worried and all. But No.NOOOOO. I dont know what to do. Its not like he can do anything about it. It is a very personal issue and why should he know about it. Its just going to be really awkward.

Arrghhh!! I am a screw up in  my head. Ain’t I? What am I writing. Does it even seem relevant? Or its just some gibberish. Oh Hell…..give me a break!

Well I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more…

Oh…on a post publishing read of the post makes me wonder…if you can make any sense of the  little info thrown in about the girl friend he plans to marry. What was that mentioned there for? WHAT? Oh..Sigggh!

The only one who mattered to me more than anything else and perhaps still does is S. Guess that is what is the problem. May be A was just a reprieve for me from all that I missed about S and how he was never there for me when needed and how he was never there for me when all I needed was his comforting, assuring silent presence in the cacophony of my mercurial feelings.

~~~

Listening to: What I am looking for – Brendan Benson

Numb..

Getting what you want is sometimes so deluding. Spend like a lifetime fretting over it making random wishes and hoping for a miracle. And when it does happen,feel no thing. Just striking numbness. Was the anticipation more alluring than the realisation?

Have you ever stood under the shower and shut your ears, listening only to the sound of water splattering against your scalp? No other sound but of water trickling down your face, the fading racket of anger, anxiety, disappointment…fading.. fading into oblivion? If not the shower, just drowning  yourself in the tub or swimming pool or just a bucket (like in Dev D). Its such a wonderful feeling of freedom and power and control. You are there. Right there. Yet away. The desperate voices try in vain to claw into you but can’t because you’ve cut out their tormenting presence from your senses.

***

Aaankhon kah hai dhoka

Aisa tera pyaar

Tera emotional attyachar


You bitch!

This post is edited.