Damn right Murphy’s Law!

So here  I am. Finally reached. What a journey. Looks I wasn’t meant to come back. Mum and me were supposed to take the sleeper bus at 9 pm. The boarding point is hardly 10 mins away if the roads are sans any traffic. However we left around 8.25.  Hardly 100 m out of the complex gate and my sister called me to  tell me i forgot to take one bag. So there, waited for her to come with the bag. 10 mins gone. In the meanwhile was desperately trying to find a rick but mumbai rickwallas are sometimes so snooty…nobody wants to go cuz its a short distance. Damn RTO..doesnt keep a tab on these hooligans…after being refused by some 8 rickwallas i finally find one. Time? 8.45 pm. And suddenly i realised I had to withdraw money from the ATM..so there goes another 5 mins. Finally we make our way to the boarding point. Just so that we could avoid the long signal, told the rickwalla to take the rick from over the flyover avoiding that signal. But forgot to tell him to take from underneath the next flyover as had to take a U turn from the signal underneath that flyover. So what happens? Well, not taking the right flyover can cause serious wastage of time in mumbai cuz you would end up getting stuck for a long time at the signals. Yeah yeah..so what happens? Well we went over the flyover, which means we had to cover a significant distance before we got to take a U turn. Ofcourse, i didnt miss looking at the watch. Time: 8.58. Hyperventilating, i call up the booking agent to ask him if the bus has come. That moron says its still 10 mins for the bus to come. I close the call and immediately get my sister’s call. Her no was given for the booking, so, she calls me that the bus has arrived at the stop and the bus coordinator is yelling at her for keeping the bus waiting. Considering the mumbai traffic i had assumed that the bus won’t be bang on time but, like its the Murphy’s law, if anything has to go wrong it will. We finally get to take the U turn but not before we got stuck at another signal (the very same from where we had to take the earlier U turn). Time: 9.10. After a wait of 5 mins, the signal clears and we make our way. We reach the stop and relieved board the bus only after the bus coordinator gave us the nastiest look ever.

Anyway, relieved that we could get the bus we move ahead to find our booth. As i move ahead, i felt something falling off my bag. I turn around and see, its my hair brush. I pick it up and offload my bag to put it in and much to my horror i realise that my bag of toiletries has fallen off. Where? i don’t know. Too tired to overreact I settle down to drink some water. I open my bag, dump everything out but can’t find the bottle. Already at my wits end, i fling my bag across and just lie down. After about an hour or so when i felt too bored, i reached for my laptop bag. Opened it only to find the bottle in there. Amused at my forgetfulness, have some water and look for the data card then. And what happens? yes what else..i can’t find it! So scavenged through the bag but no luck. Shit scared and ready to scream, i call up my sister to ask her if i left the data card on the computer table, to which she said no. (btw, surviving without internet in this city would be like life imprisonment, hence my shit scared reaction). Absolutely unsure of where i left the data card, i grab my bag to get the neck pillow. And while i pulled the neck pillow out off came the data card…

I still don’t know when did i put it in that bag instead of the laptop bag. Finally after a while i went off to sleep only to wake up around 7.30 to a yelling gujju man, asking the bus coordinator why the bus is late. The bus was scheduled to reach at 6 but we finally reached around 8. After we reach made a straight dash to the pathology lab for a blood test for tomorrow’s session. And darn the smell of spirit. Washed off all the happy feelings of being in mumbai and on came the realisation that I am bloody sick!!! Arrghhh…hate the smell of spirit. Makes me nauseous.

Anyhow…going for a movie tonight with my cousin. Kites it is. Not so excited about it but thought might as well, before i get home-ridden due to tomorrow’s session’s side effects for the next 9 days.

Phew!! And i feel tired and sleepy now.

Oh missed another mishap…looks i have misplaced my ipod too. Couldn’t find it anywhere :(

And it comes… and it goes

Doesn’t feel like its already a week. Time to go back. The past one week was by far the best 7 days of living in mumbai. Never ever did i miss the city so much like i did this time. Ofcourse my love for the city aint a new thing but this time it was different.

From the time i step foot outside my apartment on 19th March till the time i entered it again on 15th May…a lot has happened and changed. Yet there was no sign of trouble fitting into the surroundings. Felt the same when I opened the refrigerator to get my bottle of chilled water from my favourite white and green bottle, felt the same holding the remote sitting in my favourite sofa seat, felt the same when i cuddled up into my favourite blue and beige quilt, felt the same when i opened my wardrobe to see my formal clothes, felt the same when i looked outside my bedroom window at the playing kids in the complex, the familiar feel of banging the lift door in a certain way or it wont close, ohh felt the same when i opened the shoe stand to see my pairs of heels, the beige, white and black flats, the skimmers, the converses. Totally felt the same when saw my vodka bottle at the same level i left it last, the book shelf and the stacked books. Oh it was all the way it was.

Going back to work was no different either. The familar ride on that 34 km long stretch. The same shops, intersections, traffic signals (yeah traffic signals can be an important part of a mumbaiites life) and the traffic, how can i miss that. The walk into the office gate, past the security, into the reception, I walked in just as i used to like everyday. Greeted I at the reception, took a look at the scroll and the advert running on it, opened the glass door to the hallway just as i used to everyday, walked through the hallway onto my desk with the same pace and comfort. My desk..the same stick on notes, the same Santa (yeah i have a Santa on my desk), the huge files, the flat screen LCD, MY swivel chair, adjusted at the SAME level, all my colleagues…oh could there be a better welcome . Such a warm reception.

I miss all of this so much. I need all the strength to get past another 3 months of away time. Going thorugh the physical pain of the treatment isnt so much of a challenge as is the ache to go through all of it away from these little, mundane yet indispensible moments.

Quixotic ??

Hey S

No. It isn’t me. Spent enough of my time thinking that may be its me and not you. But come on, are you really that blind, insensitive, unreactive, selfish? Too bad that you couldn’t make out the difference between a real human being and a mere object of convenience. Have gone through this in my head so many times. Things that I finally wanted to say to you..stuff that I wanted you to realise, but truth be told, its just way way way too much of heartburn and disappointment no matter how many chances you get to get your act straight. You simply have no inkling of what the other person was all about. Oh yes, the only vocal and willing expression you made was that I am rude, impatient, unrealistic and impractical! Sure, why not. That is precisely what i was all along to have been through so much despite so many instances of you being a total insensitive jerk to me. Just cuz there is a virtual distance you assume that there is a lot of (in your terms) impractical and unrealistic hope I have. Nevertheless, thank you for proving me wrong and making me realise how I gave way too much importance to you than what you really deserved.

No it couldn’t have been only about you right. It couldn’t have been only about your priorities, your work, your ambition. At some point it had to be about me too. About my feelings, my emotions, my point of view. Was there any effort to understand those? It was always about what you want, how I should always say something nice to make the conversation light, or how I should say things so that you feel happy, or how I should be the one to make an effort to make the meetings happen. Fuck!!! my unreasonable, wasted head. Where was my self respect? Was friggin too blind and such a pudding head.

How did i let such a mess on to my life? HOW??? WHY???? Darn these sick, mushy, happy romantic books, movies, songs, couples and blah blah that make love such a desirable and out of this world feeling to have. Yes. Impractical and unrealistic i was. To think i could have had my share of this entire experience called love, liking, romance or call it whatever. Where I could have the assurance of someone special to talk to, to share with, to laugh with, to just know that you existed whenever i wished for a companion. But its too stale to talk about now. I doubt if you ever felt the need to quit your rhetorical and the self-indulgent, self-obsessed philosophy and look at things from my perspective ever. Wonder if you ever understood when i said, “I am tired of feeling empty by just giving. I need some too.”

I am amazed that at a time like this when i should be really thinking about the more important issues of my life, there still is your thought that springs up. Strong enough to cause a breakdown of the repressed, ignored, shunned questions, doubts, hurt, anger AND the affection.

I am guilty of still thinking that it shouldn’t have been such an ugly end. Wish it could have been clean, cooperative and minus any hard feelings. But such things are rarer than one can think of. This can’t go on. Its got to stop. You CANNOT plague my peace of mind like this. Get out. Get out..Get out of my mind. Leave me alone.

Leave me alone S.

But I don’t know what I’ve been waiting for
But I know that I don’t wanna wait anymore

….

Want to know a little secret? Most of the times things could have been fixed if you knew you had to say sorry. Really. Only problem…”if you knew”.

What is yummy? Lips or lip gloss?

Random scene:

Jake and Sophie (daughter of the gay friend from Alan’s single parent group)  in the balcony..

Jake: You smell good.

Sophie: Yeah its my strawberry lip gloss.

Jake: Can I taste it?

Sophie: (Pouts her lips ready to kiss)

Jake: (Picks his finger, sweeps it across her lips and tastes it.)

Last scene:

Alan, Jake, Charlie watching TV sitting on the couch.

Alan: What are you doing?

Jake: I am eating lip gloss.

~~~

Ahh …One can’t get enough of them, one simply can’t get any of them, and the third just doesn’t want any of them.

Oh my favourite men..love them. Two and a half men.

Damn technology

Cant believe it. I lost around 400 messages…YET AGAIN!! Something just went wrong with my phone. Conked off all of a sudden and then poof..when i turn it on again…only 22 saved messages of the whole folder of approximately 400 messages saved of S. Damn technology!!! Not just this…now the internet access too is crippled. Everytime i try to open a browser..it says..invalid web settings. Can this be happening really??? First, i lose my earlier phone..where i had some really amazing message saved of S. Messages that i kept revisiting everytime he got too busy or too angry to reply. There too it was a collection of 410 messages. Turns out that its a jinxed number. The moment the count reaches anything 400 ….tada…i get stung by the wrath of the evil.

WHAT!!?! I cant believe this..all the messages are gone. Especially now that we both have gone our separate ways..shoot that was the only way i could slowly and gradually get over him..i.e. on my terms.When i am ready for the eventual act of letting go. Not like this..a forced shut down of all emotions. Ok ok i am pathetic..i know it doesnt work like this..so what if i tried a couple of times earlier..and may be with desperate unsuccesful attempts to get over him…but this time i would have sure been less of a dork and really really buried him deep down the Moving – on alley. But..damn those were in total 800 really intimate, sometimes happy sometimes angry messages!!!

So how does it work? Are we allowed to keep their messages and still try to move on and forget them? Looks like it doesnt work that way…hmm…so may be god took upon him to kick some sense into my dimwitted head and just corrupt my phone and kill all those messages.

Btw, i have 4 really special messages salvaged of that 22 that apparently dint get deleted. That can be enough to get me through. OH OHKAYYY!!! I am going to stop being such a scornful, pitiable, pathetic loser!

Hmph!

Still…Damn technology!!!  Ouch :(

What I am looking for…

Well I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more
And I won’t be satisfied
‘Till there’s nothing left that I haven’t tried
For some people it’s an easy choice
But for me there’s a devil and an angel’s voice
Well I don’t know what I am looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more

Well I don’t know what I’m living for
But I know that I just wanna live some more
And you hear it from strangers
And you hear it from friends
That love never dies, love never ends
Now I don’t wanna argue, no I don’t wanna fight
‘Cause you’re always wrong and I’m always right
Well I don’t know what I am living for
But I know that I just wanna live some more

I used to be involved, and I felt like a king
Now I’ve lost it all and I don’t feel a thing
I may never grow old, I may never give in
And I’ll blame this world that I live in
I visit hell on a daily basis
I see the sadness in all your faces
I’ve got friends who have married
And their lives seem complete
Here I am still stumbling down a darkened street

And I act like a child and I’m insecure
And I’m filled with doubt and I’m immature
Sometimes it creeps up on me and before I know it
I’m lost at sea
But no matter how far I row
I always find my way back home
But I don’t know what I’ve been waiting for
But I know that I don’t wanna wait anymore

~~~

A messaged today. After two months. He has shifted to a new city. New job after completing his MBA. The last we spoke was two months ago when I just discovered about my situation. Ok here is a little insight into the relationship that we share. We are school friends who lost touch after school and came back into regular conversing by sheer chance. We are not INTO a relationship with each other but just be there for each other when needed. Sometimes totally for a matter of convenience. Yet he happens to be very considerate and he wanted to know what has happened that has got me to avoid him. For clarity, I have stopped being the way i used to be with him. Which is totally free-spirited, excited and sure of myself. He happens to have a girl friend already whom he plans to marry.

So having said that, now that he insists again and again to know what has happened, I am getting tired of this little peek-a-boo game. I probably want to tell him, yet, something holds me back. I feel that all this while I was under the impression that nothing matters  to me about what is in his life.When we are around and get talking he is totally in my sphere of existence. Laughing, teasing, sharing, talking and that is what matters to me since neither was he nor was I in love with each other. We just liked each others company. However, this not telling him business doesnt seem to be going down well with me. I just want to get it out and done with it. That would just make it a lot more easier for me to deal with. It isnt’ for any sympathy or pity. But somehow felt that for the sake of the good times we had with each other I should since he too is getting all worried and all. But No.NOOOOO. I dont know what to do. Its not like he can do anything about it. It is a very personal issue and why should he know about it. Its just going to be really awkward.

Arrghhh!! I am a screw up in  my head. Ain’t I? What am I writing. Does it even seem relevant? Or its just some gibberish. Oh Hell…..give me a break!

Well I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more…

Oh…on a post publishing read of the post makes me wonder…if you can make any sense of the  little info thrown in about the girl friend he plans to marry. What was that mentioned there for? WHAT? Oh..Sigggh!

The only one who mattered to me more than anything else and perhaps still does is S. Guess that is what is the problem. May be A was just a reprieve for me from all that I missed about S and how he was never there for me when needed and how he was never there for me when all I needed was his comforting, assuring silent presence in the cacophony of my mercurial feelings.

~~~

Listening to: What I am looking for – Brendan Benson