I must have started blogging somewhere in the November of 2004. Initially it all began with a lot of curiosity. The first blog that I had read was that of Handa aka Holden in the blogosphere. An interesting, fearless and witty collection of posts. That’s how one day I decided that I should get one of my own..and then that’s how the journey began..
The first post was about the sheer excitement of getting my own blog and then it continued with some posts on the self, some on relationships, some on the world in general. Made some really good friends (blogger friends to be precise though gladly i am good friends with may now). Comments and replies..the eager wait of comments on any new post. Writing one late in the night and the first thing next morning was to switch on the comp and check if any one has bothered to visit and comment on whatever silly-soppy stuff i had to say. Some times some comments were such that they would just lift ur mood up with compliments and sometimes a few saying how mediocre the writing was…well it it did get me to think sometimes but then i just began to take it easy and wrote whatever came to my mind and i felt like.
One of the best thing that has happened to me is that it helped me to express and acted as a great source of easing my loneliness and frustration mounting due to pressures of choosing a career. A juncture where i struggled with what i wanted and who i was. The great situation of An Identity Crisis. It really helped and alongside i made some really good friends. I am in touch with most of then on a regular basis and with few on an on and off format. But I have always been glad of having made such good friends.
A few names that would come to my mind always as my blogger friends would be:
Mandar (Mandy Boy)
Soumabh (Sen-The poet)
Yeah.. that’s it. A short yet worth remembering list of blogger friends. All of have grown and scaled up to various junctures in their lives. And so have i moved on with so much behind me. Sometimes, i crave to get back to the good old days when all seemed so dream-like and people were funny, friendly and happy.
Things change, times change and then lives change.
Its so much more complicated and crazy now. But i have no regrets. I have maneuvered through tough times and demanding times with all my will and grit. And have gladly come out stronger. However, the one thing that i couldn’t continue with passion was blogging. I don’t know how much of all this could have made a big difference to me now as it did earlier but would have loved to see it happen..then whatever it may have been.
Then there were posts that were spontaneous and now there are posts that are a collection of broken links, listlessness, ordinary collection of words clutter of real yet unfathomable and inexpressible experiences, heartbreaking and shocking revelation of the self and its hidden power of hatred, love and revenge, depth of ambitions, accompanying anxiety, confusion, will power and mental strength…its so much and yet so less.
A lingering emptiness and purposelessness despite all the success and adulation. The far off view of the horizon and the infinite ..the subsequent desires of grabbing with both hands the contentment of contrast – having lost and found, breaking and gathering, hating and loving, yearning and distancing, hurting and tending.
That has been the shape of life..my life…
I don’t want this conversation
I just want to sit and stare at you